What sustains the marital bond and affections over the long haul? John Piper, Don Carson and Tim Keller, three men with a combined 116 years of marriage, reflect on what they’ve learned from God’s Word and others along with their experience. Outstanding discussion.
Social researchers Mark Regnerus and Jeremy Uecker expose nine myths about sex and relationships among emerging adults in America (ages 18-23) in their book, Premarital Sex: How Young Americans Meet, Mate, And Think About Marrying. What follows are their myths and truths:
1. Myth: Long-term exclusivity is a fiction.
Truth: Half of all marriages last a lifetime, and extramarital affairs are not as common as assumed.
2. Myth: The introduction of sex is necessary in order to sustain a fledging or struggling relationship.
Truth: The quicker sex enters a relationship the sooner the relationships fails, and most relationships fail.
3. Myth: Boys will be boys. That is, men can’t be expected to abide by the sexual terms that women may wish to set. You may not want the double-standard to be there, but it’s there.
Truth: Women may enjoy sex as much as men, but they do not think and feel the same way about it. Generally they “set higher standards for their relationships.”
4. Myth: It doesn’t matter what other people do sexually; you make your own decisions.
Truth: The actions and attitudes of others affect your decisions: “If a critical mass of men and women enjoy an extended series of sexual relationships and expect sex fairly promptly within them, it becomes quite difficult for a minority to do otherwise. It is emotionally challenging for women to engage in casual sex and to experience a broken sexual relationship.”
5. Myth: Porn won’t affect your relationships
Truth: Because more and more men are viewing porn regularly it “cannot but shape sexual market dynamics.” And studies have shown that the tandem of porn and masturbation actually “reduces the value of intercourse” because it is much more physiologically satisfying than masturbation alone. “Porn becomes easier, and so must women (on average).”
6. Myth: Everyone else is having more sex than you are.
Truth: You are less conservative than you think –”most still overestimate how much sex is actually going on around them.” The authors write about this phenomena of pluralistic ignorance, “It happens when individuals within a group begin to believe that their own private attitudes, beliefs, or judgments are more conservative and rare than the public norms they see displayed by others.”
7. Myth: Sex need not mean anything.
Truth: This myth can occur broadly between the sexes, but exists especially among women. It is emotionally challenging for women to engage in casual sex and to experience a broken sexual relationship.
8. Myth: Marriage can always wait
Truth: Most emerging adults still want to get married – eventually. They put off marriage for years and years and thus the marriage market “does not grow deeper and more impressive with age.” Thus, the authors encourage “men and women who’ve met someone who is ‘marriage material’ to think twice before rejecting the notion that they’re just not ready yet.”
9. Myth: Moving in together is definitely a step toward marriage
Truth: In most cases, cohabitation does not last. “It overwhelmingly leads to either marriage or breakup within a few short years.” It is also more advantageous to men than to women as it gives them “more stable access to sex, without the expectations or commitments of marital responsibilities.”
New York Times best-selling author and psychiatrist Dr. Keith Ablow has written 4 Reasons Why Marriage is a Dying Institution, which welcomed and delighted in the so-called demise of marriage. The propaganda he is promoting is both wrong and dangerous. Marriage is absolutely the best thing for you and here is why:
1. Marriage done right makes you less selfish
Dr. Ablow’s premise that marriage is a dying institution because we are so much more enlightened now in the 21st century is off-base. It’s not the institution of marriage that is failing. It’s us. We, overall as a culture, are just more selfish. It’s all about us. I have needs and if they’re not met, I’m outta here. Rather, marriage done right isn’t as much about what we feel as how we can meet the needs of our spouse. It’s sacrificing ourselves to be others-centered, starting with our spouse. In a nutshell, the most vibrant marriages are also the least selfish. And this trait is acquired over a lifetime. The more selfless you become, the more you will love your spouse. And selfless, others-centered folks have a healthy spillover effect on their surrounding culture.
2. Marriage done right makes you healthier
Every single serious study ever done on marriage and singleness clearly shows that married folks live longer, healthier lives. Most recently, The Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health found that compared with married people, people who are widowed are 40 percent more likely to die, people who are divorced or separated are 27 percent more likely to die, and people who have never married were 58 percent more likely to die. The main reason? We were designed to be in a flourishing, monogamous relationship with a spouse. When we deny this, the very way we are made, our minds, bodies and souls suffer.
3. Marriage done right is what’s best for your kids
Similar to the overwhelming conclusion of marital studies on the impact of health, virtually all research shows that the two-parent home is what is best for children. Recently, The Future of Children, a journal published jointly by the non-partisan Brookings Institution and Princeton University, found that children from two-parent families are better off emotionally, socially and economically. Contrast that with the fact that the average prison inmate came from a single parent home according to the National Resource Center on Children and Families of the Incarcerated. Your kids need a healthy relationship modeled – your marriage.
4. Marriage done right is God’s best for your life story
There is the gift of singleness, no doubt, but for the vast majority of us, marriage is God’s best. According to Genesis 2, marriage is the first and most important institution God created – preceding governments, churches and schools. God designed us and knows what’s best for us. He doesn’t want us alone. He wants us “one flesh” with another human being. As our Creator, let’s not doubt His goodness to us. Marry well. Live well.
I have written before about divorce and how, around 7 years in, many couples my and Christy’s age are throwing in the towel. But today I wanted to give a very specific example of marital trouble from our immediate next door neighbor, thoughts about our own marriages, and then end with an amazing video.
We’ll call our neighbors S and E. S and E have two great boys and seemed to be doing fine. Then Christy and I first noticed that S, the wife, dropped about 40 pounds a couple years ago and started dressing more provocatively. She ended up meeting another guy, leaving E, and taking the boys, the love of E’s life, with her. Then E got involved with another girl who had kids of her own and he spent a lot of nights over there.
S and E have stopped making payments on their house and it has fallen into disrepair. The grass is dying and the pool is green. Christy and I initially prayed fervently for them, but as time passed, so did our passion for them.
Then last week I noticed both of their cars parked in their driveway. Then again the next day. And the next. Realize this is two years after she left and many months after their divorce was finalized. But now, all of a sudden, they’re going to try again. Relaunch. And I think that’s pretty amazing.
There is no marriage, or even ended marriage, that is beyond hope. The real issue is, I think, we don’t talk about how hard marriage really is. A few quick points:
- Every marriage is struggling. I mean every marriage. The real question is what couples do when they struggle. It’s all too easy to throw in the towel…and really regret it later.
- You are very difficult to live with.
- Your default position should be that you are the one mostly to blame for marital stress.
- There are probably only 2 to 3 main issues that come up again and again in your marriage. Why not bite the bullet and solve at least one and reduce your fighting by 50%?
- Kids can really torpedo a marriage. Quickly. Don’t let the little Napoleons win.
- Realize that God has given you your spouse for your good. How is He using them to teach you?
- Husbands, love your wives as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5)
- Wives, respect your husband (Ephesians 5)
- Your spouse was never designed to make you ultimately happy.
Finally, even when a marriage has everything crumble, redemption is still possible as this great video from the Scruggs shows:
